Tales from the Tepidarium

After a week in which Bristol staggered along, confused and angry, under a relentless sun like a deserter from the Foreign Legion fleeing across the Sahara, the regular Time Of Crisis cohort gathered this Friday (a year and a week since our first ever game!) with the promise of storms in the offing. If not in the sky, then surely on the table.

We began swiftly and almost silently, with Martin’s daughter still stirring upstairs. Joe started in his beloved Pannonia, me in Gallia, Martin in Macedonia and Ian in Africa.

Everyone except me (with three blue, two yellow) went for the classic opening of three blue, two red. Joe expanded into Thracia, me into Hispania, Martin into Asia and Ian leapt across the board and arrived in Britannia.

After this, Joe reinforced Thracia and built a Limes. I boosted support in Hispania (“Tapas for everyone!”) and built an army in Gallia. Martin and Ian both built a Basilica and hired a general.

A nomad wandered into Egypt, and Joe – with a hand of cards that was “somewhat blue-heavy,” as he put it – hired a governor, got voted into Egypt and paid tribute the nomad there. I boosted support in Gallia and hired a governor. I did not try to take another neutral province, deciding that would weaken the neutral Emperor in Rome and I’d just be leaving the door to the Senate open for someone else. This turned out to be a good move.

Martin was also blue-heavy, but was unsure of his chances against the neutral Emperor. He didn’t want to take a neutral province for the same reasons I didn’t, so he got himself voted into Joe’s Egypt instead. In all the excitement about Martin’s attack, we completely overlooked his decision to build an army there: the Legio XXII Primigenia. In many ways, this minor event was the defining move of Martin’s game, as shall become clear later.

Ian also postponed his attempt at becoming Emperor, instead he bought a new governor and got himself voted into neutral Galatia. The Emperor was now weakened! Could Joe capitalise?

But Joe had no blues in his hand. Martin was slightly incredulous. “Those are the cards you picked? Interesting,” he said in a tone of voice usually reserved for people who’ve decided to wear a suit with the jacket sleeves rolled up. Instead, Joe went to war. He built a brand new army and sent it into battle against a lone Frank. Alas, they (ie, Martin) rolled 6-6-3, rendering his Flanking Manoeuvre useless since his centurions were all dead anyway. We remarked that this must be the shortest lived army in Time Of Crisis history. Not so much “Veni, vedi, vici,” more “built, fought, died.”

I, however, did have some blues. I reinforced my spare army in Gallia, moved it into Rome and easily got voted in. I was the first Emperor at 8.43pm!

The heat of the kitchen was enough that Martin had had to go and get a fan from another room, which was enough to circulate the sticky air and give us a little respite. Which was more than the game was doing.

Martin had 6 blue and 3 red cards, but still looked doubtful about his chances in Rome. He was distracted by the potential points salad in Syria, currently home to three Sassanid hordes. And if that wasn’t enough, there was my very popular but undefended Hispania. He moved his XXIInd Legion across the Mediterranean and put them in Madrid. He needed four votes to unseat me and he used three blues. He failed, luckily for me.

Three more Sassanid hordes piled into Egypt, from where Martin had just moved his army. How we chuckled.

Ian beat Nomads in Egypt and built an army in Galatia before the next Crisis Roll brought yet more Sassanids into the game. “We’re going to run out at this rate,” exclaimed Martin.

Joe unseated Martin in Egypt and built an army there, tributing the Sassanids in the process.

I got a stroke of luck: I’d been dreading a rival leader being drawn from the event deck, and one happened right now. But it was Postumus who appeared rather foolishly in my heartland, Gallia. I killed him easily and then boosted support in Hispania up to 4, even though it fell right back down to 3 again thanks to the presence of Martin’s XXIInd Legion there. I figured it would still be strong enough to win an election. Martin insisted to Ian and Joe that I had to be stopped.

Now a Priest King arrived in Syria, along with its three Sassanid hordes and lone remaining neutral governor. This meant no one could chalk up any Emperor Turns on the scoretrack, which I wasn’t hugely bothered about since I already had two while everyone else had none.

Martin had two blue, two red and one yellow. He sent his XXIInd from Hispania into Gallia to attack me, but we drew with one hit each, so he failed. Ian, meanwhile, had three red and three blue. He had kind of an unproductive move and ended his turn with the complaint that he had “governors coming out of my arse.”

Joe beat the Sassanids in Egpyt, and hovered indecisively over whether or not to use a Flanking Manouevre to win by a greater margin for more points. “Are you going to bottle it?” Martin taunted. Joe would not be goaded and played safe. Then he tried to get voted into my very popular Hispania, but failed.

I foederatied a Frank and popped over the Channel to beat Ian’s army there and become governor too. Ian entered a slough of despond at this, but it was the right thing to do. I now had four provinces and was still Emperor. Martin insisted that I really needed to be stopped, like, right now.

He did his bit by taking his XXIInd Legion from Gallia, sending them South to Africa, picking up a Nomad, going back to Hispania and, using five dice, he successfully got four votes to become governor there.

More Sassanid hordes flooded into Egypt, obviously looking for their friends who’d gone there earlier.

Ian, in an understandable act of spite, put a mob in Britannia and boosted support and put a militia in Galatia.

Martin insisted I must be attacked, but Joe had troubles of his own. He attacked those newly arrived Sassanids, but lost 1-3. “Martin! I didn’t ask you to roll the dice!” he exclaimed, since this was now the second time he’d been on the wrong end of Martin’s capricious luck.

I cleared the mob in Britannia, hired a new general and, with nothing better to do with a spare blue point, I tried to get voted into Asia. I failed.

Martin and Joe bickered over whether I should be attacked in Britannia or Gallia. In the end, Martin chose Britannia and the XXIInd Legion had to move out again and head to new lands. They couldn’t defeat me (another 1-1 draw), though, and they were getting a bit of a reputation as a much-travelled but largely-useless band of soldiers. Martin got voted into Britannia, even though he lost it immediately, just to weaken me.

Despite the presence of the Priest King in (the still untouched) Syria, Ian had his eyes on the prize! He sent his army from Africa into Rome and defeated me, 3 hits to nil. He then just scraped into Rome, needing to avoid a double one, he rolled 5-1. A new emperor!

Martin was delighted at this result as I finally fell from grace, although he almost immediately expressed regret that I hadn’t done at least some damage to Ian’s army: A remarkably swift change in his loyalties.

Joe took Hispania from me and built an army there. He then beat the Sassanids in Egpyt 3-0. A good move, only slightly spoilt by the next Crisis Roll putting Zenobia into Egypt, clearly looking for the two previous bands of Sassanids who’d last been seen going this way and hadn’t been heard from since.

I got voted into Britannia but couldn’t win an election in Hispania. Then I repaired my armies and left Italia, retreating back into Gallia.

Martin looked fretful, with everywhere well defended. He decided to take on that rogue state, Syria. He moved his army from Asia, got voted in, and then killed the Priest King for a support boost there.

Now that Asia was undefended Emperor Ian got himself voted in. He killed a Goth horde in Galatia and then built an army in Africa and moved it into Egypt to attack Zenobia. But she hit back with a bunch of sixes while Ian couldn’t land a single hit. He didn’t care about the fate of his army, he just wanted her dead for the Emperor Turn on the scoretrack. She’s made of sterner stuff and we all remarked how she was our favourite rival leader in the game.

Ian pondered his next hand for a while, maintaining an anguished monologue while Joe discussed his next move. At this point the scores were Ian 44, Andrew 41, Joe 35, Martin 30.

Joe abandoned Egypt, not wanting to kill Zenobia since that would only help Ian. Instead he invaded Africa and beat Ian’s army there 3-2. Finally he boosted support in Egypt on the off chance it’d still be his when it was his next turn.

I reinforced an army on Gallia with it’s third legion and then foederatied another Frank before moving and attacking Ian in Rome. I lost 3-2. So I took the blue points that I was saving for the election in Rome and used them to get a governor into Asia. Not a happy move.

Martin took his XXIInd legion and sent them to Rome, picking up a Frank along the way. He attacked Ian and finally they came good! Thanks to me weakening them, I expect.

Martin became the evening’s third Emperor at 10.47pm. He was then voted into Egypt and moved an army from Syria into Egypt to attack Zenobia. Like Ian, he just needed her dead, just one hit: he rolled a one. He flinched visibly. He blamed the fold in the board for changing what was certainly going to be a three. However, instead of a glorious new Empire, he immediately lost Egpyt and got no Emperor Turn.

Ian attacked Sassanids in Syria, and then got voted in there. He also won an election in Asia, a region that seemed to change hands pretty frequently.

The scores were Ian 51, Andrew 45, Joe 42, Martin 38 when Joe went on a rampage. He beat Franks in Pannonia (four points!) and Nomads in Africa (three points!) and deposed Ian in Africa. He was on 55 points and took a long time choosing his next hand.

If I could score fifteen points, though, all that deliberation would be for nought, since the game would end with Ian and Joe wouldn’t get another turn. I attacked and killed Franks in Gallia, then killed Martin’s (by now) beloved XXIInd legion in Rome, although it was close. A noble end to a remarkable story. I become Emperor, and was voted into Asia, too.

However, the presence of Zenobia on the board knocked one point off my score for the round and I could only get fourteen points! I stalled at 59. Joe would have his chance. I looked at him and he took a sip of beer like someone already toasting his victory.

At this point, both Ian and Martin had three governors off the board. Martin only had Macedonia to his name and an army in Egypt. With 4 red, 3 blue and 1 useless yellow, he got voted into Egypt, and then into Asia (obviously). He simply had to kill Zenobia and finally did so, although she got in three hits as she fell, leaving Martin with just one legion in Egpyt.

Ian had been mumbling about his shit hand since he’d picked them and revealed 3 blue and 3 yellow. He got voted into Asia, because why not, and then boosted support in Syria. Now it was Joe’s turn.

Joe, who’d been suspiciously silent since I’d failed to end the game, now showed his hand of 8 red and 8 blue, including a Damnatio Memoriae and two (two!) Pretorian Guards. He moved his army from Pannonia into Rome and beat me 5-2. He became Emperor with a support level of five, so he damned my memory to the tune of five points. And that was just the start. He fought Nomads and Allamani and, all the while, sixes fell from his hands like pine needles from an aging Christmas tree. It was a move that, in total, got him 28 points, triggering the end of the game.

I had but little hope. I reinforced my army in Gallia with two more legions and then fought Joe in Rome. I won 5-1, but I still needed 7 votes with 5 blue points to become Emperor. I failed. I’m on 58, actually one point worse than I had when I ended my previous turn.

Martin, in distant last, had 6 red, 6 blue and another useless single yellow. “What can I do that’s fun,” he pondered. He took his previously immobile army from Macedonia, picked up a couple of barbarians along the way, and beat me in Rome. He then beat Joe in Egypt. With a Basilica, he had seven dice for seven votes to become Emperor. He did it! Finally, he got his Emperor Turn.

Ian had a formidable 11 red, 4 blue and 3 yellow selection of cards to end with. He was voted into Africa for the basilica there and we started to wonder if there was a way he could actually overtake Joe. Ian thought about his options and, in the end, went for the lass-safe but more-rewarding path. “Go big or go home,” said Martin. Considering the late hour, Ian replied that he’d go big and then go home.

He beat Sassanids for five points, but lost to Goths in Galatia. He did become Emperor for that all important Emperor Turn, putting him joint second with Martin and Joe. And, as a last delightful touch, he damned ex-Emperor Martin’s memory, knocking him even further back into last.

Joe 85
Ian 76
Andrew 68
Martin 52

Another astonishing game. My early promise dissipated, while Ian dug himself out of a hole mid-game. Joe’s quiet planning culminated in two blistering final turns that got him 43 points and a record high score. Only Martin never got a grip on the game, but at least he has the tale of the XXIInd legion to tell his grandchildren.

No thunderstorms outside, but inside we had a tempest big enough to tear a continent into four. Thanks all. It was special, as always.