The Stupidest Game of All Time

Our hosts were Anja and Steve last night - or at least, they were eventually. As Joe, Andy M, Martin and myself arrived we found Louie had taken on the duties himself, and was entertaining Ian in the lounge with some small assistance from Molly. Steve was in the other room, power-tooling his way through some fireplace renovations, and Anja was upstairs getting Lennon to bed. Under Louie's capable supervision however, we cracked on with the games. While Martin set up Hold Your Ground for everyone else, Joe and I played Kribbeln. 

Hold Your Ground was new to everyone except Martin, but the rules are pretty straightforward and before long they were all dicking each other over. Meantime I beat Joe in a narrow and fairly jammy finale to Kribbeln, recovering a 6-10 deficit going into the final round. As the others were still knee-deep in Hold Your Ground - we could hear Ian's laments - Joe and I set up Tiger and Dragon and Anja appeared just in time to join us. 

I really enjoyed revisiting this game, even though the best strategies escape me. Joe won twice: in the first game, it only took him a single round as he went out with the '1' tile as defence: that's ten points and an insta-win. Anja and I resolved to be more canny as we reset, but our best efforts were no match for Joe, who won again in two rounds. Maybe next time it'll take him three. 

Joe: Tiger!

Anja and Sam: Gazelles

We finished around the same time as Hold Your Ground, as Ian found himself jettisoned into the stratosphere. 

Louie followed him out, leaving just Andy and Martin, and Martin admitted fate favoured him in the face-off.

Martin: Held his ground

Others: Ground to pieces

We did some mild seat rejigging, as Louie retired to bed. I was up for Foundations of Metropolis but had my head turned by Bomb Busters, which was set up for myself, Andy, Joe and Martin. With Adam H a late cancellation, Steve, Anja and Ian plumped for Mille Fiori. 

Joe and Andy were new to Bomb Busters but we took a risk, skipping the training missions and diving in where we'd left off on previous plays with Katy and Laura. We started poorly when Andy took a slightly lassez-faire approach to existence and boomed us into atoms, and had to reset. However, this was a forgivable error for a cadet: it soon transpired the biggest risk in Bomb Busters is having me on the team: I kept costing us lives, and in the second mission completely forgot there were wires to cut of colours other than blue. 

Meantime the glassblowing was hotting up, as Steve cursed Ian's name for depriving him of points. "This is exactly what happened last time!" he cried plaintively. Little did he know there was worse to come - much worse. For a start, Anja wrapped up a fairly comfortable win:

Anja 166

Ian 155

Steve 127

Then, as we saw out our fourth mission in Bomb Busters - (a great game, but not a relaxing one) failing twice; succeeding twice - they collectively failed at flying Kites, which was so rapid I didn't even get a picture. We gathered together again as a seven to crank out a tournament of Champions, which was reason enough for Martin to mildly berate us again about PlathversusKermitgate, now fully established as a GNN meme. 

The first round had some bankers: Hagrid is far more likely to scratch his butt in public than Claudia Winkelman, and Bagpuss seemed more of a toenail biter than Hermione. In fact the most notable moment in these early stages was Andy confessing he read the latter's name to his children as Herm-y-own. Consternation set in in round two however, with the Titchmarsh-Paxman face-off: backing the wrong horse here set you back several furlongs. Steve was maybe distracted by his reminisces of meeting Mickey Dolenz, an anecdote he wanted to indulge further but found himself barraged with get-on-with-it Steve input from across the table. In a bit of competitive celeb-bathing, I recalled the Fonz slapping me on the back at the BAFTAs, although I had to admit he wasn't in character and it was only because I moved a chair out of his way.

Martin 30

Joe 24

Anja, Ian, Sam 22 each

Steve 19 

Ian now also retired, maybe saving a bit of energy for his birthday (today) and we were left as a crestfallen six as we realised nobody had a copy of So Clover. Instead, we played the self-proclaimed 'Greatest Card Game of All Time', Flip 7, which is basically Pairs with a few special cards thrown in. "What promoted this?" Steve asked of the claim.

"I think Christmas was coming" said Joe. 

But it wasn't for Steve, who took Ian's mantle of serial-buster-supreme (see: Novocon) and ran with it. I blew up in the first round and the early running was made by Anja. Steve exploded so often that his verbal contributions settled on various iterations of the post title, as he scorned the idea that the game was even competent. 

Martin caught Anja up, and found himself the target of several freezes. Then Anja caught Martin again with a spectacular turn: emboldened by a Second Chance card, she twisted her way to a huge haul of nearly a seventy or so points. But it wasn't enough to stop Martin, who took the plunge and got the card he needed to hit the 200 point winning mark!

Martin 201

Sam 165

Anja 161

Andy M 79

Joe 77

Steve 34

And that was that! Happy Birthday Ian. 🎂

Reboth

Adam H was our host last night, and as Martin, Joe and I stepped out of the autumnal air we found deep discussions afoot between the host, Steve, Katy and Ian. I didn't quite pick up everything but I think gigs were mentioned, and food, possibly. It was a good five minutes before Joe broke out Champions, causing Martin to mention again how disgusted he still was with those who voted for Sylvia Plath over Kermit as someone who'd keep their Christmas decorations up all year. We explained again that it was her distracted air of accidental neglect, rather than a desire to relentlessly celebrate, but he wasn't having it. Meantime new arguments were breaking out, about whether Ralph Wiggum or Russell Crowe would know all the reality TV stars. 

Ian was champion of champions, correctly predicting the results to all but one of the match-ups. Impressive!

Ian 29
Adam 25
Katy 24
Martin 22
Joe 20
Sam 18
Steve 14

Then we broke into two groups, both of them playing Rebirth, Knizia's new tile-layer than both Ian and I backed without realising the other had. How fortunate though, that we could now have Advanced Rebirthians in the front room playing the Ireland side of the board...

Whilst in the kitchen I talked Katy, Steve and Adam through the less taxing Scotland version. As everyone is now well aware, you have a hand of a single tile, and place it on your turn to score points off farms (food or energy) or settlements. But you can also get extra points for castles (most tiles adjacent) and missions (get a mission by placing next to a cathedral). Steve instantly forgot you can place farms on empty spaces, but recovered from his mid-game surprise to catch us up: and at one stage it was as tight as can be, with all of us poised on 55 points. 

But things changed in the endgame, when Katy realised she had neglected castles and we all had incomplete missions. I forgot to make a note of the scores, but I won and I think Adam was second, then Steve and Katy. The others were still making noises of rumination over the emerald isle, so we began playing Looot, the take-and-make game where the making is puzzly but the taking is spicy.

Katy liked having vikings but became slightly disconcerted by the plundering, where we get in each other's way on the shared board before hauling our booty home again. Adam seemed to be collecting so many longships it seemed impossible to do them. We proliferated. 

Meantime Ireland had been successfully reborn - by Ian. It was a close run thing though:

Ian 206
Martin 201
Joe 200

They all announced how crazy it was. "I want to try Scotland again now" said Martin, like a man who'd been complaining about stubbing his toe and then had someone hit it with a hammer. Seeing we were knee-deep in sheep and axes, they began playing Tower Up. 

In Looot, there was drama on the final round as Steve snaffled up the gold Katy needed to complete two of her longships. It's a mildly dickish game with two, but with four the vindictive side of the vikings really comes out. What's more, Steve's move was enough for Katy's prediction that he would win 'despite not knowing what he was doing' to come true. I'm not sure what happened to Adam, whom I had expected to beat us. All of us had incomplete longships, but Katy had four of the buggers. 

Steve 100
Sam 99
Adam 88
Katy 51

Tower Up ended around the same time, as Joe triumphantly pranced around the room with his hands in the air. Again, it was super-tight:

Joe 55

Martin 54

Ian 45

And that was that! With no So Clover under the roof and Adam needing a reasonably early night, we were done. 

I, Conic

 On the first wintry night of the year, I approached Sam's place and saw a strange shadowy figure moving from house to house, peering at front doors. Was he a burglar staking out his next prey? The bottle of wine suggested otherwise. It was Pete, a newish member of the GNN group, and he and I entered Sam's house together. 

We found Martin at the kitchen table in front of an unfinished game of Conic, a new Knizia which Sam described as “Raj with a map.” They soon ended and, as Martin counted up the scores, Sam's insistence that the game was all luck and chance became ever louder. 

Martin 22

Sam 9

Ian and Joe followed shortly afterwards and, after brief spell where Joe tried to work out if he'd met Peter before, we all sat down to play games. Sam, Martin and Pete played Rebirth while Ian, Joe and I set up good old Mille Fiori.

I know little about Rebirth, except it’s played on a map of Scotland and one minute Martin seems to have two castles in the Outer Hebrides and seemingly the next minute, he’s expanded to six. In the end, it was pretty close.

Martin 180

Sam 177

Pete 169

As for Mille Fiori, in round one Ian found that his choices were invariably taken by other players first. Strangely, we all pile into the markets - usually the least popular area on the board. (Officially, these areas are of the board are called “Townspeople” - I checked on BGG)

Joe ignored the Warehouses in what was a demonstration of a Mille Fiori masterclass. He was first to chain several turns together and did so repeatedly throughout the game. In fact, my smugness at nabbing an “extra action” late on in the game was somewhat tempered by the fact there was only one card left to choose which earned me a single point.

Joe 216

Ian 203

Andrew 156

While we waited for Rebirth to end, the three of us played a quick Tsuro. Ian painted himself into a corner while Joe and I faced off. I got some unlucky cards and could only kill myself in the final reckoning, giving Joe another win. But then he keeps going, guiding himself around the board until the final tile sent him off the board. Another masterclass.

1. Joe

2. Ian

3. Andrew

Now we were all together, there was a reshuffling. Pete wanted to try Orbit and Martin and Joe joined him. My only notes for this game is Martin’s quote “Is there anything I can fuck up?”

Martin home first

Joe and Pete, 2 planets left to do

Ian, Sam and I brought out the much-scuffed and oft-played Quantum. Ian and I quickly get two cubes down, and then Sam manages to wipe Ian’s fleet off the board. With no green dice on the board, I forget that Ian’s still playing and I begin my cleverly thought out move when it was actually his turn. What a faux pas!

Later and with a full fleet back in play, Ian mused to himself that he could win by placing a cube, picking up a card that gave him 2 dominance and let him place a second cube.

He paused.

“In fact, that’s what I will do.”

Ian 0 cubes left

Andrew and Sam both 2 cubes left.

While Orbit ended, Ian Sam and I played a couple of rounds of Misfits, made all the more unpredictable by the occasional tremors, eventually discovered to be caused by Martin’s elbow on the table. 

There was another masterclass, this time from Ian, who placed a series of seemingly impossible pieces on our collective tower while (mostly) me and Sam suffered the consequences. Sam escaped one perilous situation, though, placing a piece, the tower moved notably. Without removing the piece, Sam slowly “walked” the piece to a position of safety.

We played twice. Ian won the first and I think Sam won the second.

While we played Misfits, Joe, Pete and Martin played Conic, which Pete seemed to be doing rather well at as I pulled my coat on and got ready to leave.

Pete 16

Martin 9

Joe 6

Without me, the five of them played Champions. 

Sam 24

Martin 20

Pete 18

Ian 15

Joe 15

I’d love to know who, out of Ron Sexsmith and Gary Lineker, buys books but never reads them.

Then they finish, of course, with So Clover.

26 out of 30

Thanks all, see you next week.

Charlie Brown and Alan Bennett fighting over designer labels

 Walking along Joe’s street, ambling along the middle of the road like it was still the lockdown, I noticed a figure passing by on the pavement. I recognised him as Martin and so I picked up my speed to catch up with him. To no avail - his walking pace being far faster than mine - and I arrived at Joe’s behind him, having to jog the last few feet to make sure I got there by the time Joe answered the door.

Inside we were four, and while we awaited news of Laura (“I’m in the car!”) and Adam H (“I’m not going to make it”) we played a quick Agent Avenue: a cross between Ludo and Liar Dice. A team puts down two cards: one face up and one face down. The opponents choose which they’ll take: the safe bet they can see or take a risk with the hidden one.

Sam and I managed to get two Codebreakers in front of us - a third would instantly win us the game and we manipulate that to our advantage: twice we offer a Codebreaker as the face up card, meaning Martin and Joe had to take it, allowing us whatever was face down. We did this twice, and secured a win.

Sam & Andrew - won

Joe & Martin - lost

Then Laura arrived, carrying a water flask full of red wine that, throughout the evening, she would repeatedly kick over when she got up from her chair.

We started as a quintet playing Champions. It's a very silly game in which the players write the names of eight people at random. These names then compete against each other in a tournament of absurd categories. The winner being decided by the players voting.

You score points for (a) being in the majority of voters and (b) predicting the overall winner. Sam was rather frustrated by the piecemeal rules explanation from Martin, nor even realising there were two rounds until after he'd wiped his player-board clean.

Topically, we ended up with Kamala Harris against Donald Trump competing over who would distil their own vodka. Harris won. Which would be the high point of her evening, as we all found out the next morning.

Joe went through the first round guessing everything right and round two was punctuated by his chuckling as he got another one right. Only in the second final did his luck/skill run out, but he was too far ahead by then anyway.  By contrast, Martin’s second round was a disaster, getting him only five points.

Joe 23

Andrew 21

Sam 20

Laura 15

Martin 14

The next game featured more silliness: Magical Athlete, with its boring board and player pieces that don't quite fit together properly. We chose our four athletes with their special powers and then raced four times.  I won the first with Cupid (move forward 5 if a male and female character share a space) but then had one of my three points stolen by Laura’s character. This, it turned out, was the last that either of us troubled the scoreboard. 

At the end of race 2, Joe and Sam were both poised on the last square before the finish line and Sam managed to get over it first. Race three saw Martin first and Sam second. Round four was, quite literally, a procession as Sam strode to his second win with a character that moves forwards five spaces each time.

Sam 11

Martin 7

Joe 3

Andrew 2

Laura 1

Then we got out Mlem. "Cats in Spaaaace," we chorused as we set up. It was noted for some very slow lift offs as certain captains tried to conserve their dice for the later stages. Especially me, who practically tip toed out of the atmosphere, desperate to avoid the nearest planet which would give Martin the cats-on-four-planets bonus. It worked, and I was able to land MY fourth cat on a planet that same round.

But once we were past a certain point, it seemed the galactic winds were with us. Joe once leapt from space 6 to space 20 in a single roll, and we repeatedly reached Deep Space which became quite crowded by the end. There were also very few failed missions - I don’t think Sam lost a single cat and he was first to run out of his feline crew thus ending the game.

Andrew 41

Martin 39

Joe 32

Sam 27

Laura 22

And with this, I left. Laura, too, made her excuses and left and the remaining three soldiered on.

They played Tower Up while Joe’s dog did a poo on the floor.

And then they played So Clover twice, scoring 18/18 and the 16/18!

Oh, and right at the start of the evening, Joe and Sam played Life In Reterra, and Joe won...

All that’s left is for the GNN crew (minus yours truly) to get ready for Novocon! I’m sad I can’t go, but looking forward to the blog!